I Just Yak

Whenever I hear
folks say that my words inspire,
I just scratch my head.

I do not feel wise.
It is strange being dubbed as
inspirational.

My scarred brain just yaks
about life with MS.
Odds and ends let loose.

Fooling Myself

I try living life
independently and free
of this damned disease.

Often I manage
to forget MS a while,
even fool myself.

Then I have to walk
and head straight into a wall
and nearly fall down.

Talking About MS

I answer freely
when nonMSers ask me
but don’t volunteer.

I keep to myself.
Mostly I do not reveal
myself and feelings.

Only on this blog
do I speak up publicly
about MS.

My Chat with Myelin

Myelin and I,
what an interesting chat
we could engage in.

I would first inquire,
Why did you get badly scarred?
Who is the culprit?

A better question,
how can my sheaths be repaired
to restore function?

The Hand Dealt

When dealt a bad hand,
how does one pull off winning
a rival’s money?

It happens sometimes.
Deuce and nine go on to win
with a player's bluff.

My bluffs have not worked.
In MS I have found
a wily player.

MS is a thief

MS is a thief.
Sneaks in and starts rummaging
for nerves to impair.

That’s not all it steals.
Dreams become unreachable.
Financial ease leaves.

There is nothing safe.
Relationships are challenged.
Self esteem plummets.

Behind the Silence

Silent sufferers
they do not escape unscathed
the scourge of MS.

What the silence masks
works under a deep cover
to destabilize.

Life is not the same
after a diagnosis.
The threat changes all.

Just Being Honest

Is this really me?
I can hardly believe it.
I don’t recognize me.

I liked my old dreams
enjoyed my capacity.
This seems second best.

My body struggles
with its new limitations.
My mind resists them.

To My More Fortunate Brethren

MSers exist
who may not be disabled
and can walk and run.

Some have no knowledge
of things like incontinence,
pain and mental slips.

My fond wish for all
not disabled by MS.
May you long prosper.

Spectrum of Attitudes

Look on the bright side.
Many people swear by that,
even MSers.

Tricky juggling act,
facing disability
while upholding hope.

Where in the spectrum
of possible attitudes
does denial lie?

Where I Am Mostly

I surface for air
and pretend I am okay.
Others believe me.

It is what I call
rising to the occasion
and fools me as well.

When underwater,
I do not speak or perform.
I live mostly there.

Synthesizing Thought

It sometimes feel like
I live in five/seven/five
haiku format.

Synthesizing thought
it happens all the time now.

The poems just come.

For an MSer
it is a useful practice
for efficiency.

Neuroplasticity

I am banking on
the neuroplasticity
of my challenged brain.

I expect healing,
my impaired function renewed.
A matter of when.

Best if it happened
sooner rather than later.
I’ll take what I can.

I've Changed That Much?

I had smiled at him.
He pulled back as if unsure
who the heck I was.

Blank look in his eyes.
Did he just see my walker
and couldn't see me?

We once met weekly.
Wednesday night discussion group.
Did that for three years.

Insidious Uncertainy

When I catch myself
faltering cognitively,
I feel very sad.

Temporary slip?
Or the start of a decline
leading to much worse?

One never can tell.
MS is insidious.
Uncertainty rules.

To Wake Up With Hope

To wake up with hope
I will choose that anytime
instead of despair.

Disappointment
may reveal itself later
I’ll deal with it then.

A glimmer of hope
even if vanquished anon
gives me a head start.

MS Pain

Many live with pain
one that never goes away.
An endurance test.

Pain is exhausting.
The mind and body struggle
to overcome it.

Pills reach their limits.
Stress management takes over.
Still the pain persists.

Is This Really Me?

Surprise, it comes when
I rise from a chair to stand
and then try to walk.

Surprise, it stuns me
when the cane is not enough
and toes won’t uncurl.

Surprise, it saddens
when I can’t stroll through a store.
Is this really me?

The Hero’s Journey

The hero’s journey
starts in ordinary world
shifts to the unknown.

The MS journey
makes heroes of us daily
in a strange new world.

In myth the hero
can return victorious.
We are still fighting.

When MS Comes

A redefined life.
Not everything changes.
It just feels like it.

The job ends for most.
Finances take a beating.
Relationships change.

With life not over,
new goals have to be found.
I took up writing.

Work

I worked a long time
after my diagnosis,
fourteen decent years.

Twenty-four/seven
I pushed myself to produce
cutting me no slack.

The rewards were great.
I would have kept on working.
My body declined.

The Young

When MS arrives,
does it make a difference
if it comes when young?

Youthful dreams are stripped
well before someone matures.
Casual life gone.

MS burdens all
but it is downright evil
when it slays the young.

Research Goal

Treatment versus cure.
Research goes down these two paths
and it costs a lot.

Delay progression
or repair the damage done.
Different focus.

Myelin repair,
the holy grail of research.
I hope they find it.

Doctor, Doctor

Visits to doctors
take up a lot of my time
with little to show.

MS patients test
the limited repertoire
doctors can offer.

It is frustrating
for them as well as for me.
None of us happy.

That Weight

As I get older
the weight wants to pile up.
MS does not help.

The range of options
may be rather limited.
I do what I can.

Stationary bike.
Diet is watched carefully.
Some other stuff too.

The Rainbow's End

Given enough time,
anything will seem normal
and familiar.

I will not allow
MS to appear normal.
Absolutely not.

I want to dream on.
Somewhere there’s a rainbow’s end.
I aim to find it.

Then A New Symptom Showed Up

One day I woke up.
A new symptom had shown up.
I got really scared.

I had coped well with
all the crap MS sent me
but this was too much.

Something new threatened
my already fragile state.
It's hard to laugh then.

Laugh Well, Live Well

Are we laughing yet?
It lowers cholesterol,
blood pressure also.

Benefits include
boosting the immune system.
Lowers appetite.

You don’t believe me?
Discover “Laugh Well, Live Well”
October issue.

How I Miss It

Heard salsa music
coming from the radio.
I wanted to dance.

Perspiring, happy,
snapping my hips at a club

like so long ago.

Love the thumping beat,
swirling and dipping at will.
Oh, how I miss it.

Pharmaceutical Brew

Exotic cocktail,
the ABCs, Tysabri,
steroids and more.

I will not get drunk
on this particular drink.
I am abstaining.

Cost is one factor.
Side effects and narrow gains
just as important.

What I Can Do

I work to stay fit
exercise when I’m able
keep a good diet.

My objective is
less about vanity
than it is function.

MS wants to steal
whatever it can and will.
I’ll fight to the end.

My Own Haiku Rules

Haiku tradition,
nature-centered poetry.
Mine is not that way.

MS changes rules.
My nature has a new look.
It is not just trees.

In stretching the rules
I give wings to my spirit
which MS can’t kill.

The Reality of It

Sometimes it hits me,
what I am really faced with,
and am blown away.

I admit to fear.
This challenge like no other
tests my coping skills.

My resilience,

it holds on by fingertips.
Hope it won't let go.