“A poem is the very image of life expressed in its eternal truth.”
Percy Bysshe Shelley

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

What MS Wrought ... The Up and Down Cycle


Sadly compromised
physical capacity
renders life quite hard.

I flounder about
in some rather dark moments,
not my hopeful self.

My family hopes
badly wrenched, stretched, and pummeled
had to be reshaped.

Compared to my goals,
my career accomplishments
turned out to fall short.

Where am I going?
My objectives were thwarted.
What is my purpose?

... still ...

remaining within my reach
are there to be tapped.

New ways of being
may manifest before me
if I am willing.

I remind myself
I can find joy and meaning.
This is no small thing.

... however, maybe ...

I accommodate
to my new circumstances
much too easily.

Is it possible
I am not angry enough
for what was stolen?

Maybe I should be
rip roaring mad and screaming,
this is so unfair!

... stay tuned ... 


Marie said...

Judy, your beautiful words are heartrendingly evocative. You are in my prayers, my friend.

I don't know if it will help, but your cry puts me in mind of one of my readings from yesterday, from Prayers of Healing: 40-Day Prayer Journey by Michelle Ellison.

Psalm 143: 7-8: Answer me quickly, LORD; my spirit fails. Don’t hide Your face from me, or I will be like those going down to the Pit. Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go because I long for you.

And then the accompanying prayer:

My comfort comes from You and I seek You in the difficult times. You shine light on my darkness and fill my soul with peace. Lord, God, fill me and teach me to abide in You! When I am slipping towards the pit, Lord, lift me to new heights of love and peace.

I am so sorry that you are in such a hard place, but I thank you for reminding me I am not alone.

Josè Antonio said...

petty fellings

Muffie said...

I, too, look back at goals and plans, and I realize all that MS has stolen from me. I can't allow myself to stay there, though. Looking at the past doesn't help. I also don't want to see the future -- it might be too scary. So, I continue to try and live in the here and now, doing what I can and trying to find joy in it. It's a difficult task, but fighting it leads me nowhere. I hope things brighten for you.

Gail said...

Hi Judy,my life, like yours has been redirected due to having MS and honestly I hate that such is true. I look every day for purpose and value in 'being' me, some days are really hard to find an answer.
Love Gail

Robert Parker said...

As Joe Straczynski wrote in the sic-fi magnum opus Babylon 5, "Just imagine how horrible the universe actually was fair, and you actually got what you deserved?"

Mars is the only planet we know of which is populated entirely by robots. In a few thousand years, Polaris will no longer be the "north star," because of the wobble of Earth over the millennia. Carbon has six electrons.

Does "fair" figure into any of these? No? Well, then why should we expect that "fairness" has anything to do with us?

Judy at Peace Be With You said...

Marie, thank you for your kind words of support and for your prayers. Sometimes when people acknowledge, as you did, that I might be in a hard place, I feel guilty. Mine is certainly not the most challenging case of MS ever. But, it feels difficult nevertheless, and the challenge for me is always to find what my blog's title alludes to, and that is finding peace.

Josè Antonio, I am not sure I understood completely your message, but am nonetheless grateful for your presence as a visitor and supporter of my blog.

Muff, I try not to go there too often because, as you suggest, that is not a winning proposition. Nevertheless, I want to acknowledge what has happened. This may not be true for everyone, but facing reality, even if terrible, is always preferable for me than not acknowledging it.

Gail, every day I search for what can bring meaning and value. As you say, sometimes, that is difficult to find, but I won't stop believing in seeking meaning.

Robert, I absolutely acknowledge life is not fair! Say otherwise to those exposed to the Japanese tsunami. However, I on occasion allow myself to vent my frustration and, sometimes, that takes the form of saying, damn it, it's not fair! Do I expect the universe to then alter course and make things fair? Of course not, but my chest will feel less heavy for a fleeting moment.

Karen said...

I agree that having a chronic illness is so unfair. But, having lost two dear friends to cancer in the past three weeks, I must admit, that I feel grateful that "all" I have to deal with is MS.
Where there is life, there is hope. Never give up that hope Judy.

Judy at Peace Be With You said...

Karen, the death of someone close puts things into perspective.