It happens sometimes.
The days come when I feel robbed.
The unfairness galls.
Gloom will grip tightly,
plunging me into envy
of the healthy ones.
My will soon devolves
into melancholic grief
with its lockjaw vise.
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“A poem is the very image of life expressed in its eternal truth.”
Percy Bysshe Shelley
The poems of Peace on the Journey explore the theme of renewal in the face of adversity.
The book is available at Amazon (paperback and Kindle).
There is only so much one can say in 51 syllables so I was not able to add the following. My late father’s church did an oral history of his life. As I read the results of the interviews, I was struck by how often people remembered that his favorite expression was “The peace of God be with you.” I had forgotten that and have been wondering why on earth I named my blog as I did. I even thought of changing it more than once. Now I realize I was subsconsciously remembering my father’s expression. So the blog name remains.
Dan and Jennifer Digmann, a married couple, both with MS, have written this book of essays about living with Multiple Sclerosis and overcoming its challenges. They have honored my poems by using six to reflect the theme of each chapter. A valuable contribution to MS literature, this book is above all else a love story. Click on the image for more information or to purchase.
**** On Life's Journey
Percy Bysshe Shelley
About Me
Hi, I’m Judy. Welcome to my blog where I present verses influenced by the haiku form, which permits me to distill my thoughts into very few words. These often nontraditional haikus acknowledge life challenges with honesty while also embracing hope and joy. My challenges include caregiving for a spouse and adjusting to my own MS. Sometimes, these experiences on my journey can be gifts of wisdom about life in general.
Now Available
The poems of Peace on the Journey explore the theme of renewal in the face of adversity.
The book is available at Amazon (paperback and Kindle).
Origins of My Book Peace on the Journey
My Other Blog
Followers
Thank You to My Readers
Many of you check in frequently. Some have called my poems inspiring, which has taught me a new meaning for the word. I had always thought being inspiring meant making someone feel enthusiastic and confident. Instead, in referring to my poems, you cite my honesty and feel inspired by it. I seem to express truths you welcome hearing and which help you. I am simply honored that my words could do such a thing. You have transformed what originally was a self-directed activity into one which benefits others. How often does one have the opportunity to do that? Truly I am blessed by your presence in my life. This motivates me to keep writing these poems and to keep expressing with honesty my feelings and thoughts. My heartfelt thanks to you for sharing my journey.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
Poems, essays, and personal photos are COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL. All Rights Reserved ©Judith Mercado.
PERMISSION MUST BE GRANTED BY ME FOR THEIR USE.
PERMISSION MUST BE GRANTED BY ME FOR THEIR USE.
The header waterfall image is used with permission from
Artist: Michael Dashow
http://www.michaeldashow.com/
Artist: Michael Dashow
http://www.michaeldashow.com/
Thumbnail images are sourced from Wikimedia, Microsoft Clip Art or personal photos. Clicking on an image will bring up its attribution. Or please check the Comments following the poem.
The Haiku Form
I sometimes wonder
if calling my work haiku
offends the masters.
I never intend
to lay claim my poems are
great classical gems.
I am a poet
who uses haiku meter.
That is all it is.
if calling my work haiku
offends the masters.
I never intend
to lay claim my poems are
great classical gems.
I am a poet
who uses haiku meter.
That is all it is.
How This Blog Got Its Peace Name
The mystery solved
I now know the reason why
this blog got its name.
My dad liked to say,
“The peace of God be with you.”
I had forgotten.
The phrase came to me.
I used it unconsciously.
Then friends let me know.
I now know the reason why
this blog got its name.
My dad liked to say,
“The peace of God be with you.”
I had forgotten.
The phrase came to me.
I used it unconsciously.
Then friends let me know.
There is only so much one can say in 51 syllables so I was not able to add the following. My late father’s church did an oral history of his life. As I read the results of the interviews, I was struck by how often people remembered that his favorite expression was “The peace of God be with you.” I had forgotten that and have been wondering why on earth I named my blog as I did. I even thought of changing it more than once. Now I realize I was subsconsciously remembering my father’s expression. So the blog name remains.
How I Get Through This
There are times when I look up and say, how did this happen to me? Asking why usually doesn’t get me anywhere, except depression. My present reality really does not allow me to indulge in such questions. I have to cope instead with adjusting to my currently diminished physical capacity and to the appalling possibility, nay, probability that this can get much, much worse. How do I then maintain my spirit? Who is the Me who remains when so much of what defined me has been stripped away? Can I transmute this reality into something with meaning and value? Sometimes I find little victories that sustain me. Sometimes I find someone like Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl to help me navigate these questions. At other times I feel that I am in a boat without a paddle in a raging sea. Mostly I am a work in progress living an unexpected life where most of the rules I thought applied don’t, and I am left to rely on whatever inner strength, character, and personal faith I can call on to get me through. But sometimes even inner strength, character, and personal faith do not seem like they are enough. This is just tough. Or theater of the absurd.
The Role of Hope
Research shows that, “in all cultures, the conviction that one’s predicament is hopeless may cause or hasten disintegration and death.” [Jerome and Julia Frank, Persuasion and Healing] The tools available to me to fight this disease are limited. Could it be that keeping hope alive is the strongest weapon in my arsenal?
Success Redefined
I have had to adjust my model for defining success, and it often now includes those tiny steps forward that occur after giant leaps backward. It even includes accepting that no steps forward, tiny or otherwise, may occur. The rules of the game got tossed, and I have had to find a path to serenity and integration which could even include that I might never reach such a goal.
May You ...
Have light shine away
the darkness of your valley
so you can reach home.
Meet along the way
strangers who treat you kindly
and with a full smile.
Feel deep in your heart
the warmth of those beside you
who also love you.
the darkness of your valley
so you can reach home.
Meet along the way
strangers who treat you kindly
and with a full smile.
Feel deep in your heart
the warmth of those beside you
who also love you.
Nelson Mandela's Words
“… during all my years in prison hope never left me … I did not doubt that I would someday be a free man.”
“The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers fear.”
“The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers fear.”
From Marc at Wheelchair Kamikaze
From Nicole at My New Normals
My Manifesto
The following poem generated the most comments and blog links of any of the poems I have written. My response to all the comments is provided below. I now call it My Manifesto.
Judging by the number of comments, this poem obviously resonated, and I can understand why. I also want to share what triggered my writing it. I had watched a recently diagnosed person stand up in front of an audience and say, “I am glad I got MS. I am a much better person as a result.”
He is not the only MSer I have heard say that. What I have discovered is that those who say such a thing tend to fall into two camps. They are either recently diagnosed and/or they are not suffering from loss of mobility or some other dastardly manifestation of this scourge of a disease.
My position on this? As I said in one of my poems,
I have no doubt that I am a more compassionate, generous, less shallow person now than I was before coming down with MS. Would I still have reached this more enlightened place as a result of normal maturation? I don’t know and can’t ever know. I only have the life I have. But I will NEVER say that I am glad I have MS. On the contrary, as I said in one of my other poems,
Whatever accommodation I achieve with this disease will always be one in which I am, only out of necessity, cohabiting with an enemy. If calling it an enemy is too strong, then I can at least say that MS will never be my friend. I am sure psychologists would have a field day with my position. With my own therapist, we’ve declared a truce in which I say I acknowledge, instead of accept, that I have MS. I will never accept, though, that this is what my life should be like. As I said in another of my poems,
And I am glad I still have some fight left in me so I can feel this way. There are enough days when I feel quite defeated by this disease. Then another day comes when a glimmer of light helps me remember the Judy I want to be and not just the MS-Judy, and I go on to fight again. That’s when I can say,
And, knowing that days will come when I will again feel oppressed by the enormous challenge I face, I keep these poems on display so that I can remember who I want to be at my best.
As for finding the peace that is the title of this blog, I can only say that, variable though it might be, I find peace in knowing that I can control my attitude about my life.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you. You make this journey so much easier because of it.
To read all the comments, go to: http://lapazconvos.blogspot.com/2011/01/pet-peeve.html
Here is a pet peeve.
When people say they are glad
that they got MS.
They are pleased because
it made them better persons.
My blood just curdles.
Are you kidding me?
Was there no better method
to accomplish growth?
When people say they are glad
that they got MS.
They are pleased because
it made them better persons.
My blood just curdles.
Are you kidding me?
Was there no better method
to accomplish growth?
Judging by the number of comments, this poem obviously resonated, and I can understand why. I also want to share what triggered my writing it. I had watched a recently diagnosed person stand up in front of an audience and say, “I am glad I got MS. I am a much better person as a result.”
He is not the only MSer I have heard say that. What I have discovered is that those who say such a thing tend to fall into two camps. They are either recently diagnosed and/or they are not suffering from loss of mobility or some other dastardly manifestation of this scourge of a disease.
My position on this? As I said in one of my poems,
I can be grateful
for gifts this challenge gave me
and still hate MS.
for gifts this challenge gave me
and still hate MS.
I have no doubt that I am a more compassionate, generous, less shallow person now than I was before coming down with MS. Would I still have reached this more enlightened place as a result of normal maturation? I don’t know and can’t ever know. I only have the life I have. But I will NEVER say that I am glad I have MS. On the contrary, as I said in one of my other poems,
Full recovery.
That will be my intention
until my last breath.
That will be my intention
until my last breath.
Whatever accommodation I achieve with this disease will always be one in which I am, only out of necessity, cohabiting with an enemy. If calling it an enemy is too strong, then I can at least say that MS will never be my friend. I am sure psychologists would have a field day with my position. With my own therapist, we’ve declared a truce in which I say I acknowledge, instead of accept, that I have MS. I will never accept, though, that this is what my life should be like. As I said in another of my poems,
I will not allow
MS to appear normal.
Absolutely not.
MS to appear normal.
Absolutely not.
And I am glad I still have some fight left in me so I can feel this way. There are enough days when I feel quite defeated by this disease. Then another day comes when a glimmer of light helps me remember the Judy I want to be and not just the MS-Judy, and I go on to fight again. That’s when I can say,
I don’t want to hear
the odds are impossible.
I aim to beat them.
the odds are impossible.
I aim to beat them.
And, knowing that days will come when I will again feel oppressed by the enormous challenge I face, I keep these poems on display so that I can remember who I want to be at my best.
As for finding the peace that is the title of this blog, I can only say that, variable though it might be, I find peace in knowing that I can control my attitude about my life.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you. You make this journey so much easier because of it.
To read all the comments, go to: http://lapazconvos.blogspot.com/2011/01/pet-peeve.html
My Blog List
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I Miss My Little Guy1 year ago
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New Year’s Eve Through MS Eyes5 years ago
-
A Few Good Men6 years ago
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Finally, a post!7 years ago
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A mil mundos del mundo.7 years ago
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Buying a Home While Hiding Your MS8 years ago
-
Best MS Blogs8 years ago
-
Sad News8 years ago
-
Who'd a Thunk?8 years ago
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Update about updates11 years ago
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
Poems, essays, and personal photos are Copyrighted Material. All Rights Reserved ©Judith Mercado
Poem Archive
Most of the 2009-2012 poems have been taken down. If you
would like to contact me about those poems, you may email me HERE.
would like to contact me about those poems, you may email me HERE.
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Search This Blog
Dan and Jennifer Digmann, a married couple, both with MS, have written this book of essays about living with Multiple Sclerosis and overcoming its challenges. They have honored my poems by using six to reflect the theme of each chapter. A valuable contribution to MS literature, this book is above all else a love story. Click on the image for more information or to purchase.
I look for the glimmer I can catch in the instant of its existence.
7 comments:
Judy, sounds familiar. I love the expressions "devolves into melancholic grief," and "lockjaw vice." Really sums it up!
Peace,
Muff
I've felt robbed too frequently than is good for me... but only when humans are involved. It was their choices that cost me something.
M.S. doesn't exist. It can't rob me. There is no "it" that has volition or that performs actions.
So, instead of anger directed against an enemy that has taken things from me, I have to deal with the grief of loss. And that's... better? I suppose so... at least someone didn't choose to cause the changes that have befallen me. Which is, I guess, definitely "better," but still... either way, it ain't no fun.
I do get envious of healthy ones...good poem
Ah, yes, that green with envy feeling. Was out in Central Park yesterday and was nearly overwhelmed by it. Health, youth, how absolutely covetous I have become. Tough to stay in the moment when at that particular moment you are watching young couples and blissful love strolling effortlessly through the Park, the entire universe a vehicle for their exhilaration. At least I did get to experience some of that, way back when…
So perfectly descriptive of the dark side we must experience in the year 2013. This is the side that is hard to explain. Have a Great weekend,Mary
I try to stay upbeat and positive, but you know what, it's just not happening so much any more.
This poem is the condensed version of a longer poem I wrote during the worst meltdown I have had in almost my entire history with MS. Many things triggered it, from the trivial to the important, but they all seemed to arrive at once. I, who normally have a self-imposed limit of fifteen minutes to allow myself to vent, succumbed to a multi-hour cry. The full version of the poem was:
Mourning Came at Last
yesterday I cried
and I cried and I cried
the full enormity
of what I have faced and still awaits
finally acknowledged by me
heart wrenched on so many fronts
life robbed on so many levels
the loneliness
and I cried and I cried
I mourned at last for decades of losses
borne with stoic courage
I mourned finally after acknowledging
more losses lie ahead
on so many fronts
on so many levels
and I cried and I cried
and now the crying has gone underground
to weep in droplets no one hears
except my heart senses each one’s fall
the heart knows
the heart weeps
and I cry
I have since managed to regain my equanimity, but it is times like these when I know I’m dealing with some really bad @#%&!!
Muff, I have thankfully managed to pry open the lockjaw again.
Robert, interestingly, I have never felt that about others, but sorry I disagree about MS not existing. It has name, form, function, and seemingly independent will. I do agree though that one can strive to avoid falling into victim mode.
Kim, yes, I am mostly good about it, but every now and then it gets to me that others enjoy good health and I don’t.
Marc, I am so grateful that I had so many opportunities in my earlier life to experience the great joys life can offer. It would be far worse, indeed, if I never had the opportunity to experience them in the first place.
Mary, yes, I went to the dark side momentarily.
Karen, it does seem to get harder, the worse off I am.
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